Fucking cake, man. So good. Who the hell doesn't like cake? Commie-nazis, that's who.
A few years ago I started getting cake mixes, icing the results and writing stuff on them. I made a "suspenders and stationery" (my two fetishes), an "I have no idea what I'm doing" and a "Valentine's Schmalentines. Let's fuck". If snail mail is what you consider to be the slowest form of communication, I have a delicious retort (re-torte? hehehe..) for you.
1. Buy a cake mix
2. Make the cake
3. Let it cool (or the icing will melt, kids!)
4. Ice that bad boy
5. Write your message on it
Figure out a way for that cake to be sent to someone - go and deliver it, ship it, get a friend to drop it off, or shove it in their faces. Or you can eat the cake, digest your message, let it become part of you and spend your life embodying that message. Now that's some slow delivery.